Not Ready To Say Goodbye
by BeautifulChaos89
Summary: Brittany's dying of cancer and Santana's struggling to let go. "Everything's going to be okay." Brittany whispered. "You're dying, Brittany. That won't ever be okay."
1. Chapter 1

**Hi guys! I know this is not the epilogue for True Love but I promise I'm working on it. A reviewer of True Love thought I should write a Cancer!Brittany story and planted a seed. Yesterday I watched Now Is Good and this was the result. It's going to be a two-shot, maybe three-shot. Enjoy!**

**I don't own Glee or Its characters.**

* * *

You're practically running through the store in your sweats. You wouldn't even be here if Brittany hadn't sent you to get diapers for Angel. He's almost 18 months old and you can't wait until you can start potty training because his dirty diapers smell like a decomposing body. You're usually good with keeping a few boxes on hand but your brain had been elsewhere the past few weeks. You had suggested that Quinn come and get them while you watched 6 year old Beth, but Brittany had insisted you come because you were going to go stir crazy soon. Who could blame you for wanting to be around your family all the time at a time like this? You huffed all the way to the door but still stooped to give Angel, who was following you, a kiss on the way out. He placed his hands on either side of your face and planted a big wet one on you, so wet that drool had started sliding down your chin. When he pulled back, he had the biggest, grin on his face so you couldn't really be mad at him. You just wiped your chin and said, "Thanks little Snix," while poking him in the stomach. He giggled then waved at you and said, "Bye mama!" You waved back and said, "See you later, baby boy."

You finally make it to the infants department after getting lost. You swear they change this store around at least twice a month. Before you can grab two boxes of diapers, someone says, "Hey, Santana."

You turn around and find Mike Chang smiling at you. You give him a little smile and say, "Hey, Mike. How are you? I thought you were in L.A."

"I was but I… um." He suddenly seems nervous but he doesn't break eye contact. "I heard about… s-she called me." He finally gets out.

That's when your heart sinks a little. Brittany told him to come. On cue, the tears start welling in your eyes and you look away.

"Oh." You say.

"I'm so sorr-" He begins but you cut him off.

"It's okay. I'm okay, Mike." You say shakily but he's quick to respond.

"Are you? Because it doesn't seem like it." He says with narrowed eyes.

You snap your eyes up at him. "I said I'm _fine_." You grit out.

But you really aren't. Every time you think about Brittany's "situation" you lose it. Your heart breaks all over again and then the tears come faster than you can stop them. You've been doing good, not really thinking about it. You just enjoy your time with her and Angel because you know you don't have much of it left. Now stupid Mike Chang has you on the brink of tears in stupid fucking Target.

"Okay." He says softly. "I know this is hard for you and I just want you to know that I'm here for you. I'm here for you and Brittany."

You soften the glare and try to give him a little smile but you know you failed. It's not his fault Brittany called him. He is her best friend next to you and Angel's Godfather. You just hate what it means. You didn't want to think about why she was calling all her old friends. You weren't ready to think about that but it seems you may just have to start now. Brittany's ready to say goodbye but you're so far from ready, it's not even funny.

"Thanks Mike," You say softly, "We really appreciate it."

He shrugs his shoulders like it's no big deal. "I love you guys."

You just nod your head at him because all of a sudden there's a lump in your throat and you can't speak. Fucking Mike Chang. He seems to understand though.

"I was going to come by tomorrow, if that's okay?" He asks. "I miss Angel so much."

"Yeah, sure." Your voice finds its way around the lump. "I'll let Britt and Angel know I ran into you."

"Okay. See you tomorrow."

Before he can even finish, you're grabbing two boxes of diapers off the shelf and hightailing it away from him. You don't even know if you got the right size. You just had to get away from Mike. He was reminding you of everything Brittany wanted to do but would never get the chance. Her dreams had crashed around her when you find out she had Acute Myeloid Leukemia. You were 17 in your senior year of high school. You had made plans and were on your way to achieving your dreams. Brittany was going to Julliard to pursue a dream she's had since she was three. And you, you were going to be a singer and make it big so Brittany could dance in your music videos and on your tours. You would spend your early years touring the world and then settle down somewhere and have kids. You were going to spend the rest of your lives together but then cancer came along and bitch smacked you back down to earth.

You could feel your lip quivering and your body was starting to shake with the effort you were putting in to keep from crying in the middle of Target. You were in the longest line in the history of lines with two boxes of diapers under your arms. You're anxious to get home to your family. Every second in this store is a second you could be spending with Brittany. There are only two check-out lanes open and you don't know what kind of dumb ass is running this store but you'd sure like to let Snix loose on them right about now. Before you just say fuck the diapers, there's a hand on your back and then Mike Chang is standing next to you. He doesn't look at you, just wraps his left arm around your waist and pulls you closer. He gives you the strength you need until you're able to check out and be on your way. He grabs the boxes from you and carries them out to your Range Rover. Before you get in the car, he pulls you into a hug that you melt into. He kisses you on your head and you lose it. You start sobbing into his chest while gripping the back of his shirt in your fists.

* * *

On the ride back home, you try to pull yourself together. It's going to be so obvious you were crying. You've been holding it together in front of Brittany. She sees through it though. She's just waiting for you to finally break down but you're determined not to. You have to be strong for her and Angel. Quinn's been hovering around you, waiting for the same thing. Sometimes you feel like slapping her. Maybe you should so she'd stop watching you with that fucking face full of sympathy. You know she's just trying to help and be a good best friend but all you really need is her to leave you alone right now.

You have a lot of shit to think about and a lot of feelings to work through. But right now, you just want to go in the house and play with your son. He keeps your mind off of it most of the time. But, with his big blue eyes and bubbly personality, you can't help but think of Brittany. He looks like you with a head full of dark, thick, curly hair and tanned skin but everything else is all Brittany. You were shocked when Brittany asked you to marry her when you were 18. You almost passed out when she told you she wanted to have your baby a year later. You got married in your parent's backyard with your families and friends as witnesses. It didn't feel weird being married that young, it felt right. Your dad even paid for a honeymoon for whenever Brittany was feeling well enough. You boarded a plane to Hawaii and spent a week in paradise. It was perfect. One night, when you were back home, Brittany told you she wanted to have a baby. She was sucking on you clit and you were so close to your orgasm before she paused and looked up at you with a twinkle in her eye. "Babe, I want to have your baby." She said huskily before diving right back on your clit. You came so hard that you think you blacked out for a second.

You didn't think her having a baby was the smartest thing in the world for her. You agreed to having a baby but you told her that you'd carry it. She shot you down. "When I leave this world Santana, I want to leave you with a peace of me. A little person that you'll love more than me." You couldn't argue with her so you talked to your dad and he said he'd take care of it. There were a lot of hoops to jump through because of Brittany's condition but she was finally inseminated. You didn't know who your dad got the sperm from but he assured Brittany and you that the baby was a part of you also. You were just glad you didn't have to think about it.

9 months later, Angel Snix Lopez-Pierce was born. You argued with her about the middle name but she argued back that she gave that nickname to you, so she could give it to your son if she wanted to. She pulled the pout on you and you were never immune to that. When they laid him on Brittany's chest so she could hold him, you couldn't stop the tears that spilled down your face. It hit you in that moment, that you had a son now and one day Brittany wouldn't be there to help you raise him. You were _so _happy but _so _sad. Then Brittany looked at you with her own tears rolling down her face and summoned you over. You looked down at your son and gasped at the blue eyes looking back at you. Then Brittany lifted him up to you and you immediately held your arms out to take him. You held him close and pressed the lightest kiss to his cheek. Brittany had just made it impossible to follow her when she left. You weren't going to kill yourself of anything like that but she knew you would have lost all motivation to live your life, which was just as bad as suicide. Now you had this little guy who was depending on you to take care of him. Maybe that was part of her plan. She was always a genius.

* * *

As soon as you walk in the door, little arms are wrapping themselves around your legs. You look down to find your son with tears in his eyes. You're immediately on edge because your son never cries, not even when he's sleepy. You drop the diapers and bend down to pick him up.

"Baby, what's wrong? You ask him.

"Blugh," He says, "mommy, blugh." And he points towards the back of the house.

And then your heart drops. You know what he's trying to say and it's only then that you hear soft curses from the back of your house. You quickly start making your way to the murmurs and stop dead when you see blood leading from the bedroom to the bathroom. You hear Quinn on the phone with 911 and you know that it's bad. Brittany wouldn't have let her call if it wasn't and now you're freaking out.

"Q-quinn." You say while standing outside the door still. You can't bring yourself to go in there yet but you need to know what's happening.

A second later, Quinn steps out of the bathroom. "Santana, thank God. Her nose won't stop bleeding and I think she's a little disoriented."

You nod. "Where's Beth?" You ask.

"Puck came take her to get ice cream."

"Take him." You say as you put Angel in her arms. But he doesn't want to let you go and he's holding on to your shirt with strength you didn't know babies were capable of having.

"Mama! Mama! Mama, no!" He screams out as you pry his fingers from your shirt. It breaks your heart every step you take away from him but you have to take care of his mom now. You hear his screams get softer as Quinn takes him farther away from the bathroom.

You walk into the bathroom and you gasp at the amount of blood pooling on the floor. You cover your mouth as your eyes find Brittany sitting up against the wall with a towel over her nose.

"It's not as bad as it looks." She says as she tries to smile. But with all the dark red blood in and around her mouth, it looks more horrifying than reassuring.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Brittany?" You ask her as you make your way over to her and bend down in front of her. You take the towel that's soaked in her blood and throw it behind you. You grab another one and put it under her nose.

"Where's Angel? He was in the bed with me when it started. He must be so scared." You realize that she's out of it if she didn't hear him just screaming for you.

"Yeah, he is. He's with Quinn, more than likely in the living room." You say as you try to keep your voice from quivering.

Brittany brings her hands up to your cheeks and wipes away your tears. You didn't even know you were crying. "Everything's going to be okay." She whispers.

"How can you say that?" You shake your head, "You're _dying, _Brittany." You let out a sob. "That won't ever be okay."

* * *

Should this be rated M?

Thanks for reading! Next part coming soon.

Review please! It'll inspire me get the next part out sooner!


	2. Chapter 2

Hi! I cried and had to stop multiple times while writing this. Enjoy!

* * *

You and Brittany are sitting in the doctor's office, Brittany's right hand clasped tightly in your left. You keep stealing glances at her because she says she's feeling fine but she always says that and then you find her drowning in her own blood. Two nights before, you were scared shitless but that's nothing compared to what you're feeling right now. You know as soon as Dr. Scott opens his mouth, you're not going to like what he says. He started off by telling you what happened the other night and what the doctors had to do to stop it. You're anxious and you really don't want to hear any of this. You just want to take Brittany home and forget about all this. You want to forget that she's dying and leaving you to raise your son alone. You want to forget that you're so angry with her for not continuing her chemo. You don't want to think about the love of your life choosing to give up instead of fighting and beating the shit out of this cancer. If you think about all that, you're going to explode because you can't handle the mountain of feelings you've been ignoring. If you explode, you'll be left broken and unable to enjoy the rest of the time you have with Brittany.

"How long?" You hear Brittany ask and you snap out of your thoughts to stare at the side of her head. Your heart starts pounding because you're actually more scared than you were a few minutes ago. You don't want to know that. Your eyes snap to the doctor when he starts opening his mouth to speak.

"Shut up!" You scream at him and his mouth clamps shut. You register Brittany giving you a quizzical look in your peripheral but you continue staring daggers at the doctor.

"Santana, baby?" Brittany gives your hand a squeeze. "It's okay. I want to know."

You finally look at her. "But I don't, Brittany!" You didn't mean to yell but you can't handle this.

She shakes her head a little and says, "Santana, you're going to have to deal with this at some point."

You shake your head. "No. Not right now. I don't want to. I c-can't." Your voice cracks on the last word.

Her head tilts and she gives you that same sympathetic look Quinn's been giving you but Brittany has no right. You let go of her hand and point at her.

"Don't! Don't you dare give me that look. This is your entire fault. Why couldn't you just keep going with the chemo, Brittany?!"

You don't mean to lash out at her but you're so beyond scared. You can't handle knowing exactly how much time you have left with Brittany.

"_Santana._" Brittany says softly while reaching her hand out to you.

You shake your head vigorously. Tears are streaming down your face now.

"No, Britt. This is bullshit!" Then you turn around and walk out the door.

As soon as you step out, you feel like shit and immediately regret yelling at Brittany like that. You turn around to go back in but before you do, you hear Brittany say something to the doctor. She sounds like she's on the verge of tears and you just want to kick yourself.

"You know Angel's turning two in three months." She pauses. "Will I be here for that?"

Your heart stops and you hold your breath. For a few moments, there's silence. And then, you hear Brittany let out a choked sob before she starts crying her heart out. The doctor's silence had spoken volumes and you still ended up getting the answer to the question you never wanted to know. You back away from the door and place you forehead on the wall. Tear after tear falls from your eyes onto the floor as you cry for Brittany and you cry for your son. You knew having a baby would make this all the more harder but you can't deny Brittany anything now. You never could. You curl your right hand into a fist and hit the wall beside your head a few times before you turn around and slide down the wall. You're trying to muffle your cries but you hear Brittany's in the office and it's tearing you apart inside. You know you need to be in there with her so you get up and reenter the office. Dr. Scott backs away from her and you take his place. You wrap your arms around her waist tightly and bury your face into her neck. She wraps her arms around your shoulders and buries her face into your neck. You stand there trying to hold each other together while crying for the loss of your future that you always dreamed about.

"I'm s-sorry." She chokes out.

"Me too."

* * *

The following two months are very hard and very trying for you. There's this constant cloud of sadness that hangs over your head. There's heaviness in your chest that gets even heavier with each day. There's pressure on your shoulders to be strong for your family. It feels like you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. You're 22 years old and you're already weary. If it weren't for your son and Brittany's will for you to live your life to the fullest, you're sure you'd just stay in bed with Brittany and die when she does.

You've had a lot of visitors also. The whole Glee has stopped by at some point or another. Quinn's been around the whole summer. She graduated in May with a degree in education. You're happy she's here because you're definitely going to need her when you finally break down. You haven't really kept in touch with the others besides Mike but it felt good to see them all, even Mr. Shue and Ms. Pillsbury stopped by. You never stuck around when they were saying their goodbyes. You couldn't handle the tears and you didn't want to think about your own goodbye. Your parents and Brittany's parents stopped by at least three times a week. They would come by every day if you'd let them but you need some kind of normalcy around here.

"Mama."

You're standing in front of the coffee maker when you hear your son. You turn around and find him rubbing his eyes with the cutest pout on his face. His grumpiness after waking up, he gets from you. The pout, from Brittany. It warms your heart to see bits of you and Brittany in him.

"Hey, baby boy."

He drops his hand from his face and starts walking towards you. When he gets close enough, you stoop down and pick him up. He immediately wraps his arms around your neck and lays his head on your chest. You hug him tight and you start swaying back and forth. You live for moments like these. You love your son so much.

"Mama, foo."

You decide to make him some oatmeal so you check his diaper before you put him down and it's dry. You put him down so he can play with the blocks that litter the kitchen floor and you start making breakfast. You put the radio on out of habit and you pause at what comes on. A grin spreads across your face before you start singing along to Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody." You start dancing and then you hear a giggle from the floor. Angel has stopped playing with his blocks and is now watching you dance around the kitchen. You decide to give him a little taste of what you were like in Glee Club. It doesn't take you long to remember the routine Brittany had choreographed. Pretty soon, Angel's laughing whole heartedly and clapping for you. You take his hands into yours and lift him so he's standing. You start manipulating his upper body into a dance as he starts bouncing in place. You continue until the song is over and you pick Angel up so you could give a bow to the audience you didn't know you had.

Brittany is leaning against the wall at the entrance of the kitchen with a huge smile on her face. You pause when you see her, kind of embarrassed, but then she starts clapping. Angel turns his head towards the noise and his face breaks out into a smile.

"Mommy, I dance." He says and giggles as he hides his face into your chest.

"I saw, baby. You guys were awesome." Brittany says as she walks towards you slowly.

She hasn't been out of the bed in about a week. You have to feed her sometimes when she actually wants to eat which isn't often. She's gotten so weak that you have to bathe her also. You wouldn't trust her to do it anyway because sometimes she's so disorientated, she doesn't know where she is.

She holds your eye contact as she makes her way over to you. There are tears in her eyes as she lays a hand on Angel's back. She leans in to give him a kiss on his cheek and he giggles. When she lifts her head to you, there are tear tracks down her face, and she gives you a soft kiss on the lips.

"My family." She whispers and you can't stop your own tears from sliding down your face.

* * *

The last two weeks, Brittany's condition has gotten worst. Times like this, you really wish you could go back in time and talk her into continuing chemo. You didn't talk to her for a whole day when she told you she wasn't doing it anymore. She said _you don't understand now but you will. _Well, you still don't understand and it fucking sucks because you could have had more time with her. She could have had more time with you and Angel.

She's been sleeping a lot more now and she has a constant fever. Quinn starts taking over a lot of your motherly duties so you can stay with Brittany. Puck comes over with Beth sometimes and he pulls you away from Brittany for an hour or two. You guys just sit in the backyard on the deck chairs in silence. Sometimes he'll wrap his arm around you and you'll cry silently. Sometimes he brings his guitar and he strums as you hum. Sometimes he tells you stories about his shitty childhood, about Quinn, and about Beth. Sometimes he brings Angel and he tries to teach him how to play football while you watch. You're glad you have Puck around. He seems to understand you better than anyone else apart from Brittany. He's really grown since high school. He's a great dad to Beth and he and Quinn have a good relationship. You're proud of him and he's a great male influence for Angel.

Today, you're all in the backyard. Quinn cooked up something fancy and put the radio out on the deck. Your parents and Brittany's parents are here. So is Mike Chang. Puck and Mike are teaching Angel to catch and he keeps pouting every time he drops the ball but lights up when he catches it. Brittany claps for him from where she's sitting on one of the lounge chairs wrapped tightly in a blanket. Everyone, but you, is watching Angel run around the backyard with the guys. With his little black basketball shorts and Laker's jersey, he's the cutest thing you think you've ever seen.

But, you're not really watching him; you're sitting behind Brittany with your legs on either side of her and your chin on her shoulder. Your arms are wrapped tightly around her waist and you're thinking that you won't get to have this soon. Of course you'll have your family but you won't have Brittany and that's killing you. You're trying to ignore your thoughts and enjoy what you have in front of you now but you can't help the way you feel. How do you come to terms with the fact that you're going to be a widow and single mom at the age of twenty-two? How do you let the love of your life go? Your grip on Brittany tightens at the thought. You don't want to let her go. You don't think you can but you know you have to. The days are winding down. You can feel it in your gut and it makes you sick to your stomach. It's even worse when you think about Angel. You're about to lose the girl that you've been in love with since you were five. But Angel? You feel sorry for him because he's not going to remember what it was like having Brittany in his life at all.

"See San, this is why I didn't want to continue the chemo." Brittany states softly. "We wouldn't have had Angel. Look at him."

And you do. He's running from Puck while laughing without a care in the world. He reminds you so much of Brittany, endless energy and constant sunshine.

"Could you imagine your life without him?" She asks softly.

"No. Not at all."

_I can't imagine my life without you either._

* * *

So, there's going to be a part three and maybe an epilogue. Stay tuned. Thanks for reading!

Review please!?


	3. Chapter 3

Hi! This story is killing me to write. But you guys are reading it so I guess you're masochist like me. Enjoy!

* * *

You couldn't sleep so now here you are sat on the edge of the deck in the backyard with a cup of coffee cradled in your hands. You had fallen asleep with Brittany and Angel but awoke when a tiny foot slapped you in your face. You righted him in the bed and just laid there watching him and Brittany. You must have lain there three hours just soaking it in. When you felt yourself getting teary eyed, you decided to get up. You made coffee and hooked up your phone to the iHome on the deck. The soulful voice of Otis Redding flowed softly through the speakers while you sipped your coffee and tried not to think about your impending breakdown.

You thought about the first time you met Brittany and that instant connection you had at the age of five. You had made promises to always be best friends. Brittany had been a constant in your life ever since. You were each other's first everything. You shared your first kiss in your bed under the cloak of darkness when you were just ten years old. Brittany thought you were sleep when she kissed you on the lips and said _goodnight, Santana. I love you. _You shared your first real kiss four years later in the same position you were for the first. You and Brittany had watched each other go through puberty and become young women. There was this undeniable attraction between you and you didn't know what to think. After a day of watching Brittany in her swimsuit, you found yourself wanting to kiss Brittany desperately. When you got into your bed that night, you were facing each other just staring into each other's eyes.

"Kiss me again, Brittany." You whispered.

You watched as her eyes widened. "Y-you were awake?"

You just nodded your head and said, "Now, do it again."

You closed your eyes as she placed her lips against your timidly. You opened you mouth and took her bottom lip in between yours. You spent at least an hour perfecting the art of kissing each other. You kissed and kissed until your lips were sore.

A year later, you lost your virginities to each other. Your make out sessions kept getting hotter and hotter and you started touching private places. You freaked when Brittany told you she wanted you to be her first. You were scared but Brittany took the lead and soon you were naked and shaking after you gave each other orgasms. You were each other's only for about a year before you were each other's first heartbreak. Of course, you had to freak out about maybe being gay and being in love with your best friend. You slept with Puck and Brittany found out from Quinn. You found her in your room one night after coming from Puck's house. She sat at the edge of your bed with tears in her eyes. It broke you heart to see her like that but then you pushed the knife even deeper. You told her that it was just sex between you and sex wasn't dating. She pushed past you out the door and out of your house. She didn't talk to you for two days and then you heard about her having sex with some jock named Ryder Lynn. You were crushed and you understood exactly what she had felt.

It didn't take long for you to make up. You missed her like crazy and you couldn't stand the thought of her being intimate with someone other than you. So you put your big girl pants on and came out to your parents and told the whole school, specifically Ryder Lynn, that Brittany was yours. Then, you told Brittany that you were sorry for hurting her, but more importantly, that you were in love with her. You've been together ever since. It's only been six years but you're married and you have a kid. Life would have been perfect if it hadn't been for this cancer. Six years were all that you'd get. It wasn't fair.

* * *

It's almost sunrise and you've been sitting outside for a few hours reminiscing. You're shaken from your thoughts when the door to the deck slides open and your wife walks out with a blanket wrapped around her. You smile at her and she smiles back as she makes her way over to you and sits down. She takes part of the blanket and wraps it around you and you wrap your left arm around her shoulder to pull her into you. She just lays her head on your shoulder as you watch the sun rise. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful moment.

"How long have you been out here?" She asks after a few minutes.

"A few hours." You shrug. "I couldn't sleep." You admit.

You fall back into silence before she says, "I like this song." She says as Otis Redding's 'I've Been Loving You Too Long' plays softly in the background.

You give a hum of acknowledgement before saying, "me too."

When 'These arms of mine' comes on, Brittany stands up. Surprised, you look up at her and she has her hand extended out to you.

"Dance with me?" She asks shyly. "I got jealous when I saw you and Angel dancing." She says with a smile. You can't remember the last time you and Brittany danced. You can't even remember the last time you've seen Brittany dance and you know it's been too long.

You nod and say, "Yeah?" You ask just as you take her hand and get to your feet.

"Yup." She says as her lips pop on the 'p.' "I remembered how amazing it felt to dance with somebody who loves you. I love you, Santana."

You wrap your arms around her waist and she wraps hers, along with the blanket, around your shoulders. You pull her closer so that your entire front is touching. Her warmth encompasses you and her love hugs you so good. You look into her eyes as you start swaying back and forth gently. Suddenly, you're wrapped up in this cocoon with Brittany. She's all you see and all you feel. You feel as safe as you've always felt in her arms. She makes you forget about her sickness and makes you feel how much she loves you by how tightly she's holding you. You wish you could stay like this forever, in your own world where you're both happy… where Brittany isn't dying. You know that soon, she won't be here for you to hold or dance with. She won't be here for you to talk to or laugh with. She won't be here with you to watch the sun rise because the sun is setting on her life now.

"I love you too, Britt."

Silent tears make their way down your face and you hold onto Brittany just a little tighter. You really don't want to let her go. You can't. How are you supposed to do that? How do you even begin to?

* * *

Your breakdown finally happens two days later. It was inevitable really. You're keeping busy by doing laundry and putting away Angel's toys when you hear him and Brittany in your bedroom. You stop just outside the door and catch Brittany and your son taking pictures on your phone. You know you're going to cherish those pictures for the rest of your life.

"You're such a cutie pie. You're going to be so handsome when you get older, all the girls and guys are going to be all over you."

She's sitting up against some pillows with Angel sitting between her legs with his back pressed to her front. SpongeBob is on TV, but the sound isn't up.

"Your mama is going to be so protective over you. Don't get mad at her though because she loves you and she only wants what's best for you. She's really smart too so you might want to listen to her.

She leans forward to take a look at his face. "Are you listening to me, young man?" She asks him with a faux stern voice as she pokes him in his side and he giggles.

"Moooommmmy." He whines and you smile a little because he always says that to you when you attack his face with a million kisses. You can't wait until he's older and you're able to embarrass him in front of his friends. Brittany will scold you for it but it'll be worth it… You pause as you remember that Brittany won't be there to scold you and your chest gets a little bit heavier.

"Don't give her too my much trouble though, okay." She continues. "Can you do something for me?" She asks as she turns him around to face her. "This is serious, okay?"

He looks up at her like he grasps how serious Brittany is and gives her his undivided attention.

"I need you to look after her for me. Pretty soon I'm not going to be here and she's going to be really sad. She's going to need you. "

The first round of tears start to make their way down your face.

"You're the only one she's going to want to be around so I want you to give her a thousand hugs and kisses every day. You have magic powers and only your hugs and kisses will make her feel better. She'll probably try not to cry in front of you but if she does, wipe them away and they'll never come back again."

Your body starts trembling from trying to keep your sobs from escaping your lips. You are overwhelmed with how much you love Brittany in this moment. Even in the wake of her death, she's thinking about _you_. You don't know what you did to deserve someone like Brittany, even if you only got to have her for seventeen years. That's seventeen years of happy memories.

"When you go to sleep at night, you have to wrap your arms around her and hold her really tight. And if her body starts to shake, don't get scared, just hold her even tighter. You're going to remember this right, Angel?"

You hold your hand over your mouth as you watch Angel nod his head enthusiastically. You and Brittany know he probably won't remember but you know that Brittany's doing this to make herself feel a little better about leaving you. She needs to believe that you and Angel are going to be okay.

"One more thing… I need you to love her as much as you can, okay buddy? Promise me."

"I pwomise, mommy."

And then you lose it. Your sobs escape as you shake your head and run away from the door. You move as fast as you can until you rip the deck door open and you're outside. You take a deep breath of air and then your body is wracked with silenced sobs. You bend over a little, clutching your stomach because you feel sick. Your chest really hurts and you can't breathe. It feels like your chest is caving in on you and you don't know how you're going to get through this.

"Oh, God." You whimper as you sit down on one of the lounge chairs with your head in your hands.

You don't even look up as you hear Quinn approach and say your name. She kneels down in front of you and puts her hands on your knees. Your sobs have died down a little but you're still crying.

"Q-Quinn, I c-can't d-do this." You choke out and look at Quinn in her eyes. "W-what do I… h-how do I…?" You trail off and shake your head. "H-how am I s-supposed to do t-this, Q-Quinn?" You ask helplessly.

There are tears in her eyes as she shrugs her shoulders. "I wish I knew, Santana." And your shoulders slump as you hang your head again.

"We were supposed to be together for the rest of our lives and now I have to watch her die. This isn't fair." You've composed yourself a little as you seem to be getting mad. You raise your head to look at Quinn again.

"Why is this happening to us? Why _her_, Quinn? Why do I get my wife taken away from me? Why does my son get his mom taken from him? What are we going to do without her, huh? What am _I _going to do without her?" Your voice trembles as you try to keep from crying, though tears still make their way down your face.

Quinn just looks at you like she wants to take your aching heart and replace it with hers. She looks like she's do anything to keep you from feeling the way you're feeling. It looks like she's physically in pain from watching you suffer like this. But she shakes her head to your questions. She doesn't know the answers just like you don't.

You tilt you head back and say, "Fuck." You look back at Quinn as tears steadily make their way down both of your faces. "It _hurts, _Q." You croak as you lift your left hand to your chest. "Like my fucking _heart _is slowly being ripped from my body. I c-can't t-take it." And you start sobbing again.

Quinn quickly gets up from her knees and sits next to you. She grabs you and pulls you into her arms.

"Is it w-wrong for m-m to j-just want to go w-with her?" You ask as you cry your heart out.

"No sweetie, but then you'd leave Angel. Do you want to do that?" She asks as she rocks you back and forth.

You shake your head quickly against her chest. "No but … fuck! Q-quinn, this h-hurts so fucking b-bad. I c-can't d-do t-this."

"Yes you can." She says encouragingly. "You're so strong, Santana. You can do this. You have to, if not for yourself, then for your son."

"B-but, h-how do I j-just let h-her go like t-that?" You cry out.

"I don't know but you have to find a way."

* * *

Okay, one more chapter and then the epilogue.

Thanks for reading!

Review please?!

To the anon who said they cried more reading this story than 'Color' I don't believe you. Lol. That story was so sad, I cried buckets. This is nothing compared to 'Color.' But if that's true, that's the best compliment anyone could have given me for this story. Thank you!


	4. Chapter 4

Hi! I apologize in advance for this chapter. I cried like a baby. Enjoy!

This is dedicated to Paige, because i promised and I always keep my promises. Paige, you're amazing and I'm sorry i killed Brittany. But really, it was the cancer, i just wrote the story. So, you shouldn't blame me. Lol.

* * *

"Angel's cake is ordered and I got the decorations like you asked." Quinn says as she walks into the kitchen.

"Thanks, Q." You say softly after you take a sip of your coffee.

You sit your cup down when Quinn comes to sit on the stool next to you. "Are you okay…" You lift your head to look at her. "…dumb question. I'm sorry."

It's been three weeks since your breakdown and Angel's birthday is tomorrow. You keep thinking about what the doctor said… or didn't say. He implied that Brittany wouldn't see your son's second birthday, yet she's still here. She even looks better. You know that's not possible but it seems as if Brittany's fighting just long enough to see Angel turn two. You don't want to think about what happens after tomorrow.

"I keep praying for a miracle but I know we won't get one. She's only got a few days left, Q, I can feel it. I can feel her slipping away from me."

"Santana, God, I'm _so_ sorry." She says as she lays her hand on your back and you hang your head.

You haven't cried in three weeks, since that night in Quinn's arms. You know that Brittany heard you outside of the door but she hasn't said anything. You can't cry in front of her. She's the one dying of cancer and leaving the two people she would give anything to stay with. She's been so strong through all of this and you've been crying like a baby. Who could blame you though?

* * *

That night, you lay in bed facing her, watching her. You watch every breath and pray that it isn't her last. With Angel in his little bed next to yours, you were able to hold Brittany as you tried to find sleep. You don't think you've had a good night's sleep since Brittany was diagnosed. How could you sleep when you knew she could die at any moment? You would hate yourself if you were sleep when she passed. You wrap your arm tighter around her and pull her in closer. As you brush a strand of hair behind her ears, blue eyes open and lock with yours. She smiles weakly at you and you smile back.

"Hi." She says.

"Hi." You say back as she scoots even closer to you.

You hum when she brings her hand up to caress your face. You bring your hand up to cover hers and then you turn your head to place a soft kiss into her palm. She closes her eyes and hums, and then you take your fingers and tangle them with hers in the small space between you. When she opens her eyes, they're filled with tears.

"Britt?" You ask softly. You can see her taking sharp breaths and your heart starts to break all over again.

"I don't want to leave you and Angel, Santana. I don't want to die." She chokes out and tears immediately fill your eyes.

"Oh Brittany, we don't want you to die either. What am I going to do without you huh?"

"You have to keep living, Santana. You have to follow your dreams and do all the things we said we'd do together." She says as she squeezes your hand and stares into your eyes.

You shake your head a little. "But those were _our _dreams, Brittany. It won't be the same without you."

"You'll have Angel. Take him with you on tour and show him the world. He'll love it just like I know I would have." She replies back immediately. "Promise me you'll keep living, Santana. Don't die when I die because that would break my heart." She continues and you let out a soft sob.

"I-I p-promise." You eventually get out.

"And you have to teach Angel how to dance." She says with a smile and you let out a chuckle.

"He'll have Mike for that." You say but she shakes her head.

"You have to teach him what it's like to dance with a girl. You have to teach him to how to appreciate and love women, the same way you've loved and appreciated me since we were kids." She says seriously and you nod. Then a thought crosses your mind.

"But, what if he's gay?"

She chuckles and says, "Then you have nothing to worry about." And you chuckle.

That reminds you that you're going to have a kid to raise on your own. You know you have all these people around you to help you but he's going to be with you most of the time. You're terrified of making a mistake and ruining his life. You can't fuck up your kid's life.

She must see your worries in your face because her eyes soften as she look at you and she says _Santana _in that same soft voice she used to tell you, you were beautiful and awesome when you got down on yourself.

"You're going to do great with him. You're going to raise him to be kind, caring, and compassionate. He's going to be strong, smart, and confident. He's going to be honest, respectful, and humble. He's going to be courageous, devoted, and driven. He's going to be a great man we'll be proud of all because of you. You don't need me, he needs you."

Tears fall from your face as you hear Brittany convey all the confidence and faith she has in you to raise your son right. You didn't realize how much you needed to hear that until just now and you're grateful.

"Thank you, Brittany. But, you're wrong. I _do _need you." You say after a minute.

Brittany shakes her head lightly. "No you don't, Santana. You'll fall in love again someday and you'll get married again, maybe even have some more kids. You should."

You're shaking your head before she even finishes.

"There's no one else for me Brittany. I'm going to die still married to you." And then she's shaking her head back at you.

"Santana, no. You can't shut love out just because I'm gone. I want you to be happy and if you should find someone who gives you at least a little bit of happiness, you should let them."

"I don't want to love anyone but you." You say softly.

"But, I won't be here anymore, sweetie." She says back just as softly. "You shouldn't hide that beautiful heart of yours. You have to keep loving… for me?" She asks.

And you wouldn't be Santana if you didn't do everything she asked. "Anything for you."

"Kiss me." She says next and you're more than willing to comply.

You kiss her slow and deep and she kisses you back just as slow and just as deep. You kiss like it's your last kiss and you think you'd be happy with that if it were.

After a few minutes, she pulls back and stares into your eyes.

"You have to let me go, babe." She whispers. "Will you do that for me?"

Tears fall from your eyes as something in you breaks. You think it may be your heart.

"Y-yeah."

* * *

The next day, your house is buzzing with people. It seems that all your old friends came to celebrate Angel's second birthday. Along with yours and Brittany's parent's, you don't think you've ever had this many people at your house. Your dad is manning the grill along with Mr. Pierce while their wives cook the sides in the kitchen with a little help from Beth. You're standing just inside the door to the deck watching everyone have a good time. Artie is playing DJ while Mike, Tina, Kurt, and Blaine dance. Mercedes, Quinn, and Rachel are sitting on a few of the deck chairs talking and laughing. The birthday boy is currently playing football with Puck, Sam, and Finn. He's been going back and forth between playing football and dancing the last hour. His energy is limitless and the smile hasn't left his face. You're happy he's enjoying his birthday but you can't stop thinking that this is the last time he'll celebrate with his mom present.

Speaking of, long arms wrap around your waist as your wife perches her chin on your shoulder. She was getting ready and insisted she didn't need any help so you decided to wait for her out here. It wasn't that you thought she needed help; you just wanted to be around her.

"He looks like he's having a blast." She says as she observes Angel running away from Sam with the football under his arm.

"Yeah, he is." You say.

"C'mon, let's go join them." She says as she unwraps her arms from around you and grabs your hand to pull you outside.

When Angel sees you, he drops the football and runs straight into Brittany's arms. She catches him and lifts him as you put a hand on his back to give her some support.

"Happy Birthday, baby." She says and then gives him a big kiss on his cheek. "You're a big boy now."

He giggles as he wraps his little arms around her and gives her a hug. When he pulls back, he yells, "Football!" And squirms to get down so Brittany puts him down with your help and he takes off back to the boys.

When you look back at Brittany, there are tears in her eyes and you know what she's feeling. You know what she's thinking because you were thinking the same thing not too long ago. You pull her into a hug and she takes a deep breath as she sinks into it. When she pulls back, she gives you a light kiss on the lips and then you go greet your guests together.

* * *

A few hours later after everyone's eaten, you're all sitting around on the deck furniture talking. Angel has been glued to Brittany since everyone sat down to eat. They've been having their own little conversations as you listened from where you sat next to Brittany. They were talking about everything from unicorns to SpongeBob and it was keeping a smile on your face. There's a flash in your face and you're instantly annoyed as you turn to find your mom with her expensive camera in your face. Your glare softens when your mom gives you her own glare because you're the one who told her to take pictures in the first place. She takes a few more of the three of you before she asks if you'd like to cut the cake now. Angel snaps his head to look at you and his smile is wide as he yells, "Cake!" Everybody chuckles and it's decided.

Your mom rolls out the huge cake that you hadn't seen and your eyes almost pop out of your head. You turn to Quinn, who's sitting on the other side of you, and say, "Damn, Quinn, did you promise the whole neighborhood cake?" She just rolls her eyes at you and chuckles as Brittany elbows you in the side and says _language. _You roll your eyes but say _sorry_ anyway. Mrs. Pierce lights the number two candle and then everyone starts sing Happy Birthday to Angel who's grinning madly as he sits in Brittany's lap. After the rendition, you tell him to blow out the candles and he takes a deep breath and blows. Everyone claps and then Mrs. Pierce starts cutting and handing out cake. When Angel gets his, he immediately digs in and his hands and face are covered in icing within seconds. Brittany asks if you want any and you nod. As she starts to hand it to you, you see the mischievous grin on her face a second before cake is covering your face.

You hear laughs and you see the flashes of your mom's camera behind your eyelids. You're going to kill her and Brittany. When you open your eyes, you find Brittany and your son giggling with everyone else.

"You're so going to pay for that." You say as you wipe your face and quickly reach to smear it across Brittany's face. Brittany moves fast as she grabs Angel and put him directly in front of her and you end up smearing it across Angel's face. Your jaw drops because you can't believe Brittany just did that. "Your own son, Brittany?" You ask incredulously but with a smile on your face because Angel looks adorable covered in more icing and Brittany's face is glowing from happiness as she laughs. Angel starts laughing also and then everybody's laughing at your silly family.

You can't remember the last time you felt this way. It doesn't feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. In that moment, you're actually happy. Even though you know Brittany's dying, for the first time, you feel like you're going to be okay. You know that not long from now, you're going to be devastated but now you feel like the pain won't last forever. Your soulmate is dying but you're not going to stop living. You're going to take care of your son and be happy. Not only because Brittany wants you to but because you want to.

* * *

Later that night after everyone left, you and Quinn cleaned up and now you're tired. Quinn flops on the sofa and tells you goodnight as you go to take a shower. When you get out, you find your son and Brittany in bed. Angel's asleep in the middle of the bed and Brittany's just staring at him lovingly as he snores softly.

"I'm so happy I didn't miss out on today." She says softly while still watching Angel.

"Me too." You whisper. "You want me to put him in his bed?" You ask.

She shakes her head no and you nod. She scoots closer to Angel and finally looks up at you. When your eyes meet, she pats the space behind her.

"Come here, Love… hold me." She whispers.

You're quick to climb in behind her and you snuggle close to her. You place a light kiss on her cheek before you settle down on the pillow.

"I love you." You say softly.

"I love you too, Santana."

* * *

You don't know how long you've been asleep but suddenly you're awake and you have a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach. Your eyes adjust to the darkness and you look at Brittany whose looking back at you. At some point in the night, she had turned to face you. You notice the space beside her is empty and before you ask, she tells you she put Angel in his bed. When you as her why, she says that she didn't want him to be in the bed when she…

Your eyes widen and tears immediately fill them. There's a lump in your throat also and as you try to speak, nothing but a sob comes out. You shake your head and croak out _no. _Brittany smiles sympathetically at you as she places her hand on your cheek. You turn into her hand and wrap both your arms tightly around her.

"P-please don't go. N-not y-yet." You cry out into her neck.

"Baby, I don't have a choice. I have to go now."

You start sobbing uncontrollably while holding onto Brittany as tight as you can. Maybe if you hold on tight enough, she'll stay. Maybe if you begged her, she'd fight a little more and she wouldn't leave you. Maybe if you start praying, God will let her stay.

"Oh, God p-please, don't take her a-away from m-me. B-brittany, p-please s-stay w-with m-me….j-just s-stay." You beg through your sobs praying that God hears you and gives you a miracle.

You hear Brittany start crying and then she's trying to pull back from you but you don't let her. You just hold on tighter and you hear her say your name. _Santana? Santana, look at me. _You pull back reluctantly and stare into her teary blue eyes. Her voice is shaking and broken in places as she tells you goodbye.

"Santana, my life with you has been _amazing_. I'm so happy I got to marry you and have your baby because that was all I ever wanted to do since we were little. Forget dancing, that was my dream, _you _were my dream. And I can't thank you enough for bringing my dream to life because I can die happy now. I love you so much Santanaand I wouldn't have wanted to spend my last few moments with anyone but you. I'm so sorry I have to go now but you're going to be okay. I'm going to be you and Angel's guardian angel and I'll make sure of it."

Tears are streaming down your face as Brittany lays her lips on yours and starts kissing you. You kiss her back and deepen it after a minute. You put all of your emotion into it and you can literally feel Brittany slipping away from you.

"You have to let me go now, love." She whispers as she breaks the kiss and you nod a little. "I love you, Santana."

"I love you so much, Brittany." You choke out as a sob rips from your chest and you wrap your arms around Brittany and hug her so tight trying to make her feel just how much you love her.

You keep hugging her until you feel her arms grow limp around you. You want to rip your heart out of chest because it hurts _so _fucking much right now. You know that Brittany just died in your arms but you can't let her go. You know you promised but you just need a little more time. You can't believe she's actually gone. You hold her and place a light kiss on her forehead as you tell her you love her again and then you do the last thing you want to. You let go.

* * *

The funeral is a few days later. The ceremony's over and now you're standing beside the casket as they lower it into the ground. Angel holds onto your hand as he stands beside you looking dapper in his little black suit and tie. When he woke up, the morning after Brittany died, he asked for her and you lost it. Quinn had Puck come and take him for the day because you kept breaking down crying. You yelled at her and told her to tell Puck to bring him back. You couldn't sleep without him. When he climbed into the bed with you, you held him tight as you cried softly. You lost it again when he wiped your tears.

He cried at the funeral, even though the casket was closed, he knew Brittany was in it. You had explained to him what happened. You told him that his mommy was sleeping and that he wouldn't see her for a little while. You realized how smart he was when he seemed like he understood. He pouted and said _mommy. _You're shaken from your thoughts when your hear Angel speak.

"Bye, mommy." He says as he waves at the casket and your heart clenches in your chest.

"Bye, Brittany. See you later, okay. I love you."

"Love you, mommy."

* * *

I should have the epilogue up soon.

Thanks for reading!

Review please?!


	5. Chapter 5

So this is it. Thanks for reading guys! Enjoy.

* * *

"Brittany, sweetheart, I have _missed_ you. I made all of our dreams come true, Britt, but you weren't there. I wished you were there every second, baby. My world just hasn't been the same without you. I can't wait until the day I get to see you again. I promise you that when I do, I'll never let you go again."

You're standing a few feet behind your mami watching her kneel down in the grass in front of your mom's grave. You've been listening as she fills your mom in on everything you've been up to since she died. You're trying to keep your tears at bay because you're mami's crying enough for the both of you but you can't help it. You wipe a few tears from your cheeks and keep listening.

"I brought your baby boy to see you finally. I'm so sorry we didn't come back sooner but time flies you know?"

She looks back at you before taking a deep breath and turning back to the grave.

"He's so handsome Britt. He's lean and tall like you but he has a lot of muscle like me. He has a strong jaw line but his other features are soft. He has thick, short, dark brown hair but his eyes are the exact same as yours. I know you know all this already but it feels good to talk to my best friend again, so humor me huh?" She pauses and hangs her head.

"There were nights I'd wake up and look into his eyes that were so close to my face and for a second, I thought that you were lying beside me." She lets out a quiet sob that makes your heart clench. "I've never felt closer to you than when he is around. Like right now, being here with him standing right behind me, it's like you're enveloping me in your arms. I feel you Britt and it feels so good. I feel you every time he wraps me in a hug and every time he tells me he loves me, I feel the same way I felt when you would tell me." Just then, she gestures for you to come closer so you step closer. You put your hand on her shoulder and she lays her hand on yours.

"Brittany, I can't thank you enough for blessing me with him. Our son is amazing." She looks up at you proud and teary eyed and you can't help the tears that well in your eyes. "He's a phenomenal dancer just like his mom. He's had a part dancing in my shows since he was six. And not only does he dance but he produced my last two albums. I know you're so proud of him, baby. I am. He has the most perfect personality too. It's like both of ours combined and it never fails to make me smile when I hear him say something or see him do something that you would have done. Like that pout of yours; he's perfected it." You both chuckle at that thinking about all the times you used it to get your way. Your mami should have left that part out when she told you stories about your mom.

"I'm going to give you two some time now." She says as you help her rise to her feet. "I promise to visit more often from now on. It's been too long, babe. I love you, Brittany, always have… always will." She looks at you and squeezes your hand before letting go. She starts to walk away before turning back. "Oh, I um… I kept my promise. I kept loving." She says softly and then turns to walk back to the car where your step-mom and two year old little sister are waiting.

* * *

You kneel down in front of your mom's grave.

"Hey, mom." You have to stop and take a deep breath because a wave of emotion just crashed into you. It feels like you're meeting her for the first time and you're starting to shake. It feels like you've come home after being away for so long and it feels good. It feels like your mom has just wrapped you in a hug and welcomed you back.

"I'm sorry I haven't been back here since I was two to visit you. Mami and I have been traveling and entertaining the world. She was humble saying that she had _some_ success; I don't even know where to begin with her accomplishments. After she mourned for you, she threw herself into her music. She got together with Puck and started doing covers on YouTube. They were noticed right away and quickly signed to an up and coming label. From there, they went on to sell millions of albums and sold out arena's everywhere. They won every award you could possibly win in the music industry. They were amazing and they took me along on the ride with them. It didn't matter that I was so young, mami had an entourage of people taking care of Beth and I. Auntie Q and Uncle Mike came along too and we got to experience all that craziness and wonders of the world as a family. They were so popular, mom, they still are actually. Puck and Mami did their own thing throughout the years but they never broke up. We're actually about to start work on a new album in about a month. Mami says this one will be her last and I'm kind of sad about that but I understand her wanting to settle down."

You feel great talking to your mom even though she can't talk back; it feels like she's listening. You decide to get comfortable and sit down with your back against the tombstone. A second later you feel your phone buzz. It's a text from your mami saying she's going to bring Peyton and Skylar to your grandparents because Skylar fell asleep. She says she's going to come back to get you so you text back _okay _and watches as they leave.

You like to think that your mami is happy now. She definitely looks it but deep down you know she'd be even happier if your mom was still alive. Even when she was living her dream, she still looked sad. You understand. Your life is amazing… has been amazing, but you know it would be even better if your mom was still here.

"It took a long time for her to become okay with loving someone other than you. She told me that you were supposed to be it for her. She turned down all the millions of girls… and guys, that wanted her because she felt like she would be cheating on you. She felt like you guys were still married. I think she still feels that way. She met Peyton before going on their first tour. She was a dancer. I guess mami has a type huh?" You smile and let out a chuckle. "I was only four years old but mami told me the story of how they got together when I got older. Peyton fell in love with her immediately but didn't tell her how she felt. She waited and waited for any sign that would tell her if mami wanted more than friendship. She waited for years for mami to be ready to love like that again. But finally, she was ready and Peyton was right there. She's an amazing woman mom. She's so kind and loving and perfect for mami. It took her a few years after they got together, to entertain the idea of having more kids. Peyton gave birth to Skylar but it was mami's egg that was fertilized and put into her. Okay, enough of that huh."

You let out a chuckle and turn around to face the tombstone. There's a beautiful picture of your mom in the middle of it. It's the same picture you carry in your wallet, along with a picture of the three of you at your 2nd birthday party. That picture is your favorite one. You and your mami have cake all over your faces with huge smiles and your mom's eyes are bright with laughter. You wish you could remember that day but you have a whole album of pictures you're more than grateful for. You have albums and boxes of pictures of your parents alone and then with you. You wish all that time that you could have retained the memories from your first two years of life. That was the only time you had with your mom.

The love between your parents in those pictures is blatantly obvious. You could tell that their love was powerful and it was that kind of love that lasts. You feel an overwhelming sadness when you think about them not getting their chance at a lifetime. You feel cheated that your mom died before you were old enough to see their love and happiness. You were cheated out of growing up with both of your parents and you're still a little angry about that. Your mami told you everything about your mom's illness and what it was like. You cried at parts because you couldn't imagine your parents going through that when they were only a few years older than you. Then you felt guilty for a while when your mami told you about why you mom didn't continue her chemo. Your parents could have had more time together if it weren't for you. But then your mami sat you down and told you that she never once wished you were never born. She told you that you were the best thing that had happened to them. She told you that you were worth it. You believe her but it still hurt to see your mom in so much pain. There were times over the years where you'd catch her crying and you knew instantly why she was. You just hugged her and wiped her tears. You know all about the conversation your mom had with you before she died and you've lived by your promise your whole life.

The worst part of the last 16 years of your life was seeing you mami cry over the loss of your mom and you didn't even remember her.

"I wish I could remember the two of you together so badly. I've seen the pictures and the videos and seen how much you loved each other and then how much you loved me. We looked so happy together. I'm 18 years old now, mom, and I've already lived a life people twice my age would be jealous of. I've had a lot of great days and life defining moments. My point is that none of my days the past 16 years can ever compare to my 2nd birthday. I don't even remember it but I know that it was the best day of my life. That album of pictures goes wherever I go and I look at them every day. You know why it's so special to me? Mami told me that the doctor said you wouldn't live to see me turn two but you did. You fought to see that day and celebrate with me. That was the best birthday present I've ever gotten, just _you. _ There's nothing I wouldn't give to remember."

You mean that was every fiber of your being. There's emptiness in your life where your mom should be. That hole seems to expand around your birthday and it hurts more than usual. Today's your 18th birthday and tomorrow's the anniversary of your mom's death. There's a heaviness in your chest and a lump in your throat. You're so emotional right now, it's overwhelming. Being here, in Lima where your parents grew up and fell in love and where your mom died… where you had the best day of your life, 16 years later. It's a rush of happiness and sadness and you don't know what to do with these feelings.

Everyone is back in Lima for your birthday. Everyone, being your family… everyone who was at your party that day. They're all back at your mom's parent's house waiting for you to get back. You love them so much but you can't help but resent them a little. They grew up with your mom and got to experience her in ways you never got the chance to. You know that her developing cancer wasn't their fault; it wasn't anyone's fault but you're jealous nonetheless. The way your family talks about her…the stories they tell you; she was amazing. They have memories of her and all you have are pictures.

"I'm so jealous of everyone who got to know you… everyone who got to spend even a few minutes in your presence. I'm so jealous mom, because I'm your son and I don't remember you. I don't remember what it felt like to be hugged by you or kissed by you. I don't remember your voice or the way you smelled. I'm so sorry I forgot you, mom. It's not fair that you were taken away from me before I was old enough to remember. It's not fair and I'm _so_ mad at God for that. I'm so mad at _you. _Couldn't you have fought a little harder… for me? Why didn't you have chemo again after I was born? Couldn't you have stayed with me... us? Didn't you want to? Mom, I just want to understand. I just wish so much that you were here, you know? I know you never wanted to leave me, I _know_ that, but you're not here and there's this ache in my chest for _you. _I need you so much sometimes; it _hurts _so bad that I can't breathe_. _I long for you like I longed for my mom to stop crying every time I saw those tears flow silently down her cheeks. Every time her body shook with sobs so hard that her cries were silent, I longed for you to come and take away her pain away. It broke my heart to see her like that and that pain she was in reverberated into me and it _killed _me. I don't blame you, mom. I just wish you were here, that's all."

Tears are streaming down your face as you look at your mom's picture while pouring your heart out to her. You didn't hear the soft footsteps behind you but you felt the hand on your shoulder and a presence kneel down beside you. You know from the smell of the perfume that it's your mami. She places her arm around you and rubs your arm up and down trying to sooth you. You don't know how much she's heard but she tells you to keep going and let it all out. You're glad she's here but you don't have too much left to say.

"You were there for my very first breath and I was there for your last, but I never got to say goodbye. Honestly, I don't want to because I know I'm going to see you again one day. This isn't goodbye, because you live inside of me and wherever I go, you go. Mami said that you were our guardian angel. I really hope that's true because it would explain the feeling I get whenever I dance, like there's this presence guiding my movements. I like to believe that you're dancing with me and it feels amazing, mom. We miss you so much. I love you, mom."

You lean over to place a kiss on the picture in front of you and then you turn and kiss your mami on the cheek too. There are tears on her face as she tells you she loves you. You stand up and then pull her up and into a hug. You hug her as tight as you can and place another kiss on the top of her head. She tells you, you're going to be okay and you believe her. You know you're going to be okay because you have her and you have your mom watching over you. You've never felt safer.

When you pull back from your hug you grab your mami's hand and turn to make your way to the car. You stop and take one final look back at the tombstone and as soon as your eyes land on it, there's a breeze that passes. You don't feel it over your arms but its light against your face. You smile as some more tears slide down your face because your mom just kissed you on your cheek. You turn to your mami and you know that your mom kissed her too because she has the same look on her face that you're sure mirrors yours. Your heart swells with the love that you have for your mom. You squeeze you mami's hand and lead her out of the cemetery. Your chest feels so much lighter and you know you're going to be making trips back here every year at this time from now on just to have a talk with your mom. You don't know a better way to spend your birthday.

* * *

Hope you guys enjoyed this tear fest of a fic.

Seriously, thanks for reading!

Review please?!


End file.
